So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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