And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
