I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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