You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
