if i can run in heels then i can drive
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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