It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
