Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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