Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
