And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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