Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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