dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
