i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
