I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
