OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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