If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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