i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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