my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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