I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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