I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
