Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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