apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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