My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
