imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
