My nipple is on Facebook.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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