In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
