I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
