Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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