My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
