there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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