Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
