For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
