i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
