help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
