You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My bed smells like the plague
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
