Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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