Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
