New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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