he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I stole a fireplace last night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
