i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
