I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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