I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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