areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
