I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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