I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
