Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
