she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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