Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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