Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
