i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
