my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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