I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
