I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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