My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And then my night got REAL pukey
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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