Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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