She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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